CNBC’s Slot Machine Apocalypse: Cramer’s 30-Year Shitshow and the Ad-Fueled Fuckery of News
Dispatches from the Last Sane Bastard in This Casino
The Casino of Filth
CNBC’s a neon-lit cesspool of greed, a slot machine of fuckery vomiting 4 minutes of rancid noise from Cramer, Wapner, and Kernen, and 8 minutes of ads for Selleck’s reverse mortgage scams, Devane’s gold-plated lies, and Ozempic’s fat-fuck poison pills. It’s a grift factory, not news, raping cretins’ wallets while posing as “insight.” For 30 years, they’ve shoveled bullshit down our throats—now we’re ramming a Molotov cocktail down theirs and lighting the fuse.
Morning Shitstorm
Squawk Box (6-9 AM) kicks off with Joe Kernen’s smug, shit-eating grin, Becky Quick’s CEO ass-kissing, and Andrew Ross Sorkin’s Davos circle-jerk. 4 minutes of corporate diarrhea, then 8 minutes of Tom Selleck’s AAG reverse mortgage ads—vampire fangs sinking into grandma’s equity, bleeding her dry while Kernen wanks over GDP numbers. This isn’t news; it’s a fucking mugging, and CNBC’s the knife-wielding pimp.
NYSE Shitshow
Squawk on the Street (9-11 AM) rolls out Carl Quintanilla’s bland-as-fuck droning, David Faber’s faux-serious horseshit, and Sara Eisen’s cheerleading pom-poms, all from the NYSE floor. Cramer screams early, a rabid clown, but the real filth is 8 minutes of William Devane’s Rosland Gold ads—overpriced coins for paranoid rubes, sold with a washed-up actor’s smirk. 4 minutes of “analysis,” 8 minutes of scams—CNBC’s slot machine spins, and you’re the dumbass pulling the lever.
Trader Shitbags
Fast Money Halftime Report (12-1 PM) is Scott Wapner’s trader circle-jerk—Joe Terranova and Steve Weiss bicker like rats over garbage, while Jon and Pete Najarian peddle their 19th options book, Follow the Smart Money, and Market Rebellion subs to morons who think they’ll get rich. 4 minutes of half-baked guesses, 8 minutes of Ozempic ads for “fat fucks,” selling $1,500 snake oil that’ll leave you puking your guts out. CNBC’s not a guide—it’s a goddamn slaughterhouse for your dreams.
After-Hours Shitpile
Closing Bell: Overtime (3-5 PM) is Wapner’s rehashed slop, with Wilfred Frost (if that prick’s still around) and guests like Stephanie Link jerking off to market closes. Charles Payne slinks in, shilling Unstoppable Prosperity—a $29.99 turd of market “wisdom” for cretins. 4 minutes of market wrap, 8 minutes of Coventry life insurance buyback ads, begging you to sell your future for pennies while CNBC counts the blood money. This is financial news? It’s a fucking crime scene, and you’re the corpse.
Anti-Nostradamus Assclown
Jim Cramer, anti-Nostradamus assclown, has been a shit-slinger for 30 years. In the ‘90s, TheStreet.com pumped dot-com pipe dreams—went public, then crashed like a junkie’s veins. His “Red Hots” picks? Every single one a flaming turd—Pets.com, Webvan, all bankrupt or delisted, leaving suckers broke and sobbing. Bear Stearns? “It’s fine,” he brayed—days before it fucking imploded. Nvidia? Flipped harder than a meth-head on a bender. Now, on Mad Money and Squawk on the Street, he screams “BOOYAH!” like a deranged carnie, shilling his Investing Club—$399 a year for tips a monkey could scrape off Yahoo Finance. 4 minutes of his sweat-soaked tantrums, 8 minutes of his grift ads. Cramer’s CNBC’s slot machine, and every spin fucks you raw.
4:8 Fuckery Hell
CNBC’s airwaves are a toxic dump of scams: 4 minutes of noise, 8 minutes of ads for cretins to choke on. Tom Selleck’s AAG reverse mortgages rape seniors’ homes, leaving them destitute while he grins like a sociopath. William Devane’s Rosland Gold scams paranoid rubes with 30% markup coins—fearmongering for profit, you washed-up fuck. Ozempic ads prey on “fat fucks” with $1,500 pills, hiding the nausea, gallstones, and debt. Coventry’s life insurance buybacks are vulture shit, offering pennies for your future while CNBC cashes the checks. Payne’s book and Najarians’ options racket peddle pipe dreams to morons who’ll die broke. 4:8 ad hell isn’t a glitch—it’s a fucking war on your wallet, and CNBC’s the general, laughing as you bleed.
Torch the Fucking Casino
CNBC’s an exploding slot machine, Cramer’s face a flaming wreck, vomiting Selleck, Devane, and Ozempic coins. Flying dollar bills scatter—your money, their blood-soaked profit. 4 minutes of noise, 8 minutes of scams, 30 years of fuckery. Torch this casino of filth. Think for yourself. Share this screed and cornhole these grifting bastards until they choke on their own lies. #CNBCApocalypse
I can smell the carnage!!!!! Great article!!!!